Identity & the Anointing

I don’t know if we will ever have a complete grasp of our identity in who God has created us to be. I personally don’t believe our human minds can fully comprehend it. I believe it will be a lifelong journey with the Holy Spirit as He uncovers pieces bit by bit. I also believe some things will only ever be revealed when we go through certain events, seasons, or trials. Who I thought I was 10 years ago is not who I think I am today. In so many ways, and rightly so, it has changed for the better. However, there is still one area that hasn’t seemed to change at all in my life, and that is still feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere. Yes, I have family and friends who love me. That’s not what I am talking about. I am talking spiritually. I still haven’t found my place or where I fit. I don’t tend to think the same as most people. I definitely find I don’t have the same convictions as most, or maybe I should say they don’t have the ones I have. I can’t just compromise on things for the sake of fitting in. I will never do that. It’s honestly not in my nature or makeup. I’ve never been one to give in or compromise due to others’ pressures, not as a child nor as an adult.

I have found that more often than not, people misunderstand or misinterpret me. Because I believe what I believe and am sure-footed as the Bible says, I find that intimidates some. Some just think I am prideful or arrogant. Meanwhile, those accusations couldn’t be further from the truth these days. I am constantly asking the Lord to convict, correct, and forgive me for any and all unclean things in my life that could cause pride or arrogance. It’s such a frequent prayer I don’t even remind myself to do it because my desire is to always have a pure heart before the Lord. It terrifies me to willingly do something that displeases the Lord. Above all things, especially this year, I have sought the Lord to continuously create in me a clean and pure heart.

I say all that to say this: for the first time in 37 years of my life, I think it’s all starting to make sense. The loneliness, at times over the years, even isolation, the attacks from those who misinterpret things I say or do, or who have this preconceived idea of me in their heads. I’ve gone before the Lord many times in my life in tears asking, ‘Why did You make me this way? Why can’t I be liked by everyone? Why can’t I just fit in here or there like ‘they’ do? Why do I have such intense convictions, and it seems others don’t? Why can’t I go and do XYZ, ‘they’ get to? Why don’t I get invited…?

As I write this, I’m reminded of times growing up when friends would only stick around until they realized I didn’t do what they did, and it made them uncomfortable to be around me. It made sense when I tried to act like the world and do what worldly people did—those friends were around and easy to find. But as soon as my convictions got the best of me and I had to repent and get right with the Lord, those friends disappeared. That makes sense. That’s how it should be. Light shouldn’t comfortably fellowship with darkness.

But I never thought that within the Christian community there would still be those who treat me the same way. If we are all of the Light, why aren’t we all acting the same and having the same convictions? If we are all following the same Savior and the same Bible—the straight and narrow—shouldn’t we all get along and fit together? One spirit, one body, one mind? Yet, even in the body of Christ, I still find it hard at times to fit in. I’m too much for most. I’m too spiritual. I’m too strict about how we ought to live if we claim Christ. I’m not loving enough because I expect people to grow up and not remain infants for years. It NEVER stops. My whole life. This has again led to many tears on the floor before the Lord, asking why. If I’m just trying to do what You said for us to do, why don’t I fit in with those who claim to be Your children?

I had one of these encounters with the Lord just the other week. I just want it to make sense. Can’t I catch a break somewhere at some point? Will there ever be a day when people don’t misinterpret everything I say and do? Will it ever get easier? Then, in His sovereignty, the Lord gave Travis a word through a stranger two weeks ago. Nobody has ever said what she said about me or our household, but for the first time in 37 years, it started to make sense.

The word from the Lord said this among other things.

“Your whole household is a very prophetic household” Later she said “the anointing on your household is a very unique, set apart anointing, it’s an apostolic anointing, it’s truly an apostolic anointing. It’s an end time anointing”

I didn’t know what that meant. I understood the five-fold ministries and offices in the Bible, but I didn’t know exactly what this anointing she mentioned was. When I looked it up, one of the first articles about the apostolic anointing described me almost to my core in so many areas. All of a sudden, it started to make sense. I read this, and I’ve never felt such true words to describe me.

The Apostolic is a very stern, teaching, correcting, rebuking and disciplining, type of anointing, but it’s all done in Love. Their main purpose is to bring back spiritual order and structure to the Body of Christ, to such a measure as to cause the Body to become beautiful that when the world looks at the Church, they see an institution that is disciplined, ordered, beautiful and perfect, i.e. The Bride of Christ. This does not mean that the Apostle does not have the Love of God, but  rather, because He or She is so passionate about the things of God, and so loves the Lord, and God’s People, that’s the reason they flow and operate the way they have been gifted to. Many misinterpret the anointing and gifting.

To carry any anointing will cost you. My pastor told me two years ago that he has always known I was called into the supernatural. He said “it would be one of the most criticized and lonely callings. He said you will be the criticized because people don’t understand it. It makes them uncomfortable. It will cost you everything.” While that made sense to me, this has now confirmed it all even more and makes all the tears and pain worth it.

All the while, it wasn’t that God wanted me to always feel like an outcast or never understood by others. It was an anointing that creates friction with those who are casual about their Christianity. My pursuit of the Father is intense, I can’t help it; it’s how I’m built. I can’t slow down or back up because someone else chooses not to pick up the pace. I’ve heard it said that the only people who take offense at someone chasing hard after Jesus are the ones convicted about their comfort and choose to stay in it.

I’ve actually heard this said several times just in the last 2 weeks from those I listen to preach; It’s like when you’re hanging out with a friend, both doing the same thing, but then one of you decides to stop being lazy and start doing something more meaningful. Suddenly, the other friend has an issue with you because your motivation highlights their laziness. The friend who strives to improve gets blamed for being “too much” just for doing the right thing. This dynamic happens a lot in life. Everything seems fine until someone’s ambition exposes another’s complacency.

 I’ve been the lazy/complacent friend many times in life with things. So, I know this to be the truth. You can either choose to start moving or be offended. But you shouldn’t blame the one who’s trying to grow, yet so many do. Every major new experience the Lord gave me in the last 14 months that should have been celebratory moments, they all ended in tears because of someone’s hurtful words attacking me, which resulted in stealing the joy of the new thing God had just done. I’m fully aware we can all be used by satan at times and that’s his goal, to steal. Every one of those moments I felt he stole the joy and excitement and left me crying again before the Lord. I’m having to learn this tough lesson of pleasing God over pleasing man. Knowing that in doing so, it’s an automatic target on my back and yours if that’s your desire.

If you are still here reading this post, let me tell you what I’m living and what I’ve heard but never fully understood. If you desire the anointing of God on and in your life, IT WILL COST YOU. It will hurt at times, it will be lonely, but I can only imagine the glory He will receive from our lives as we walk into it. Clearly, He knows we are stronger than we feel, that’s why He gave it to us. I still don’t know what this apostolic anointing on my household entails, but I know the crushing and frustration we are in has to produce a breakthrough and harvest on the other side of this season. With that, to God be the glory.